Sunday, January 18, 2015

4 Years Ago, This Time of Year

It is Winter in the Minnesota.  We are closing in on the middle of it and the deepest part of the cold.  However, for me, this not why I struggle during this time of the year.  January, leading into February is a hard time for me filled with many emotions, what ifs, and trying to continue to move forward.

Four years ago we found out we were pregnant.  Pregnant with our first little one.  We had just made it through the joy of the holidays, only to be, how shall I say it... only to be slapped in the face by life.  We quickly found out that our little one had Turner's Syndrome.

This ultimately turned into finding out that our little one was no longer with us and no longer had a heartbeat.  We had only just found out we were pregnant and now at 17 weeks we were finding out how to be parents, but with a child that wouldn't be coming home with us.

January 27 our daughter Samantha was born.  Yes, at 17 weeks she was born.  I delivered her into this world.  And though she was no longer alive, she stole our hearts and taught us a lot about life.  The weeks to follow were a complete blur.

Somewhere in the middle of it all we tried to celebrate my birthday in the middle of having a funeral for our daughter and dealing with having to buy a new furnace in the dead of the coldest winter because ours was no longer functioning.

Kind of a representation of life.  The heat in our house not functioning and neither was I.  How does one celebrate a birthday of their own when, for every birthday card you open you in turn open a sympathy card.

I am not sure how I made it through those days, but somehow I managed.  And yes, even now I do still have hard days.  I have just learned better how to work through them.  You can read more about that journey on my other site:  www.myinfantloss.com.

So, during this time of year I do a lot of reflection and evaluation.  I sit in the quiet.  I take in the simple moments.  I savor the slow.  I try to remember.  I continue to move forward.