Thursday, February 12, 2015

Coming to Terms

I knew from the day that we decided to start a family that I wanted to stay home if we could make it happen.  My husband felt the same way too.  However, we both agreed that if it didn't feel right after trying it, I was more than welcome to go back to work if I wanted to.

After loosing our daughter, I wanted to make it possible to stay home no matter what.  Even if it meant not going out to eat as much, getting rid of extras like cable, or not going on vacation for awhile I was okay with that.

After being a teacher and watching kids grow up from infancy to getting ready for Kindergarten, I knew even more that I wanted to stay home if for no other reason than to watch my child grow, help them in that process, and raise my own kids.

So much happens in a child's life the first years, especially the first year has so many changes.  I didn't want to miss that.

I am not saying all our days are perfect and we don't run into snags with staying home.  But the good far outweighs the tougher and not so good.  I am not saying that there aren't times when I need a break, but when given a chance I let it pass me by.  I am not saying that I don't worry, have a hard time giving up control, or letting someone else take the reigns every now and then, but I am working on letting it go and opening up.

Parenting is tough, self care is tough, and change is tough.  So why then do I have a hard time actually staying at home?  Sure, I can come up with a list of places to go, things to see, things I "should do" because that what stay at home moms do.  I can keep us busy for the hours of the morning and afternoon outside the house if I need...even if that means walking around Target.

Even when we do stay at home, I get into fight or flight mode so to speak.  If I feel the constant need to do, do, and do more.  Need to get the house clean, need to meal prep, need to get laundry done, fulfill my son's every need and whim, need to take care of myself, need to have activity ideas planned.  Need, need, need!

Why the constant need?  The need to do, they need to go, the need to overcompensate?  Honestly, I don't really have the answers, at least not yet.  I am coming to terms more each day with be a stay at home mom and the idea of just staying home, while keeping things simple.

I think my years of teaching, combined with my own life, adding in the fact that we lost our first child have all culminated in to me being a control freak, routine driven, overcompensating, over analyzing every detail type of mom who is still trying to do as best as I can for my son.

How do I loosen up, let things go, open up, and slow down?  Not sure yet, but I first need to over come my issue with staying home for the day, not needing to plan a ton of activities.  We can make it simple and just let things see where they go.  I also need to work on taking other's offers up for a time out as a couple and for a time out for me...worry free and letting go of whatever fear is holding me back.

Time to come to terms.

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Tough week, but not why you would think

This has been a long week.  Yes, I know it is only Tuesday.  But it doesn't change the fact that I am emotionally, spiritually, mentally drained causing me to be physically drained as well.  For me, this long week didn't begin on Sunday.  It began on January 26.  Let me explain.  From the outside, to most of the world we look like a family of three.  But if you listen, get to know, and ask you will find out we are a family of four.

We have a daughter.  Where you might ask?  I don't see her. How old is she? These words cut through me like a knife, even more so now then ever before.  Our daughter is in heaven.  We had a miscarriage four years ago.  Most of the time I am greeted with silence.  This, this is why when people asked me if my son was our first we would just say yes.  For you, it was simpler. For me, it hurt so deeply.

I am not trying to make you uncomfortable.  But you see, by me not saying what I really want to say tears me to pieces every time.  So, instead of making you feel uncomfortable, I let things be torn just a little deeper.  Well, now its time to get uncomfortable.  But instead of being greeted with silence or your opinion, just ask and listen.  We may have more in common than you realize.

We found out on January 26 that our daughter no longer had a heart beat.  She was just 17 weeks old.  That day I was admitted into labor and delivery.  That night was the most hellish night I have ever faced.  Our daughter was born on January 27.  Yes, born.  I had contractions, I delivered her.  The next day we were sent home with a box out onto our own.  While the rest of the world moved on, I was told to do the same.  The day I was discharged, just a mere 24 hours after we said hello and goodbye to our daughter a nurse asked me when we will get back on the horse.  This, was a small taste of what was to come.  But I, being so shell shocked, sat in silence.

The week continued, how I don't know.  All I remember was getting the flu, having no heat, tossing my birthday in the mix, and having a funeral.  Yup, one doozy of week when you think about it.  Since my birthday that year, I don't really look forward to it and most times wish it would just pass by like any other day.  For that year, with every birthday card I opened I opened a sympathy card.  Talk about an emotional roller coaster.  If it were up to me, I would just let the day pass by.  Work my way through the grief of the week and be done with until next year.

To sum up the rest of the week, we buried our daughter on February 5. After which we had to rush home because the furnace guy was coming so we could get a new furnace ordered.

Now sure, there are some good things that have come out of it all.  However, this is the only way I get to talk about the not so good things.  Nobody asks, and I have yet to find someone who I can fully open up to who understands or at least tries to understand.

So you see, my view on parenthood may differ from yours.  We may look like a different family then we really are.  I still grieve, even four years later.  But please, don't be afraid to ask or turn your back at the mere mention that we had a miscarriage.  Our daughter is just as much a part of our family as our son. Instead of running in the other direction, offer to take our hand and help us step forward with strength, faith, and a shoulder for when it just too hard.

This week will come to pass, just like it has in the past.  I will move forward, hopefully stronger, and continue with the day to day stuff as usual as can be.