Thursday, February 12, 2015

Coming to Terms

I knew from the day that we decided to start a family that I wanted to stay home if we could make it happen.  My husband felt the same way too.  However, we both agreed that if it didn't feel right after trying it, I was more than welcome to go back to work if I wanted to.

After loosing our daughter, I wanted to make it possible to stay home no matter what.  Even if it meant not going out to eat as much, getting rid of extras like cable, or not going on vacation for awhile I was okay with that.

After being a teacher and watching kids grow up from infancy to getting ready for Kindergarten, I knew even more that I wanted to stay home if for no other reason than to watch my child grow, help them in that process, and raise my own kids.

So much happens in a child's life the first years, especially the first year has so many changes.  I didn't want to miss that.

I am not saying all our days are perfect and we don't run into snags with staying home.  But the good far outweighs the tougher and not so good.  I am not saying that there aren't times when I need a break, but when given a chance I let it pass me by.  I am not saying that I don't worry, have a hard time giving up control, or letting someone else take the reigns every now and then, but I am working on letting it go and opening up.

Parenting is tough, self care is tough, and change is tough.  So why then do I have a hard time actually staying at home?  Sure, I can come up with a list of places to go, things to see, things I "should do" because that what stay at home moms do.  I can keep us busy for the hours of the morning and afternoon outside the house if I need...even if that means walking around Target.

Even when we do stay at home, I get into fight or flight mode so to speak.  If I feel the constant need to do, do, and do more.  Need to get the house clean, need to meal prep, need to get laundry done, fulfill my son's every need and whim, need to take care of myself, need to have activity ideas planned.  Need, need, need!

Why the constant need?  The need to do, they need to go, the need to overcompensate?  Honestly, I don't really have the answers, at least not yet.  I am coming to terms more each day with be a stay at home mom and the idea of just staying home, while keeping things simple.

I think my years of teaching, combined with my own life, adding in the fact that we lost our first child have all culminated in to me being a control freak, routine driven, overcompensating, over analyzing every detail type of mom who is still trying to do as best as I can for my son.

How do I loosen up, let things go, open up, and slow down?  Not sure yet, but I first need to over come my issue with staying home for the day, not needing to plan a ton of activities.  We can make it simple and just let things see where they go.  I also need to work on taking other's offers up for a time out as a couple and for a time out for me...worry free and letting go of whatever fear is holding me back.

Time to come to terms.