Monday, February 15, 2016

A Delicate Balance

I am a wife, a mom, a friend, but most of all I am me.  Yet, at times, I really don't know who I really am and seem to get lost in the daily grind.

I have many roles that I fill.  Day in and day out, the roles are there.  Sometimes, the focus is stronger one way or the other, but over time it balances out...usually.

My roles are a part of me and do define me, but I am so much more than those roles.  The roles are the surface.  What any person would see of me from the outside.  The easy things to discern about a person at first glance.  So yes, they do define me, but only on the most basic level.

Going much deeper... I am creative (and have such a strong need to fulfill that as it fills my bucket), love photography, enjoy being outdoors (especially the chance to be by water or a campfire), a writer, a reader.

But lets go even deeper.  Eek, I know deeper.  Is it really possible? Yes it is.  Time to put into words the deepest of me.  The real, the raw, the stuff that I know others find themselves in as well.  All to often, the deepest of the deep is what we keep hidden.  We push it down just a little further each day.  I am here to encourage you to go deep, open it up, and let it out.  Write, say it, share it.  Yes, it is scary.  Yes it will open up a lot more than you could imagine.  But it is time to dig deep, open up, and be honest.

Even deeper, I am one who looks for the quiet moments.  I need them, crave them.

I am a mess of emotions.  Oh my, the emotions.  I will admit I am a sensitive person and wear my emotions usually quite honestly on my sleeve.  Those who know me well can spot it a mile a way.  My eyes give me away.  On the surface, someone may notice, but may not say much.  I usually cram my emotions in and down lately.  To afraid to let others in on them.

I am by no means perfect, but may do I try (and unrealistically set expectations on myself that do more harm than good).  And boy am I hard on myself when I make mistakes.  The guilt that goes with it all too.  It's like a storm brewing, as it all sets in.

I am truly my own worst enemy.  It is a delicate balance and one I am honestly, now good at.  The swing inside me goes from one extreme to the other.  On the outside, I look like I have it all together.  But dig down deep and you will see that I am more like a scrambled mess, a tumble weed type looking.  Not a maze, but a ball of tangles needing to be undone and worked through.

Our roles present so much for us.  Expectations from those we affect from them (like being a wife or a mother), expectations on ourselves, and expectations from others.  While it is okay to have expectations, there are some we need to let go and not worry about.  Easy said then done.  But one of the biggest ones is the expectations that we perceive from others.

Sometimes we just need to not care what others will think and do what we need to do.  Sometimes we are in survival mode, sometimes we are thriving.  Most times we are somewhere in between.  And it really depends on the day, the moment, the minute you are in.

Whether you are surviving, thriving, or somewhere in between, it is a delicate balance.  In that balance, be open, honest.  Seek the real you, let it out and do your best.

Where are you in this delicate balance?  Look at your roles, dig deep, and then dig deeper. 

It's Been Too Long

Oh the freedom, basic freedom, to finally get my fingers to the keyboard.  The past months have been a whirlwind.  Filled with getting ready, doing, and big changes.

At the end of August we closed on our old house, closed on our new house and moved.  Let me tell you, the process of closing on two houses in one day is not something I want to do again any time soon.  I am not one to want to have a drink, but I will admit, by 9:05 the day we closed, I could have used some type of hard liquor.  And let's just say, our first closing time was set for 9:00.  That is one stress that is good to have gone.  Add that to getting all our stuff packed up and moved out the day before and then all unloaded the day we closed.  Crazy.

While sometimes it just happens and to some degree we need a little crazy and a little stress.  This is not the route I would have taken and the things I thought would be a cinch, turned out to be the toughest.  Plus, at the time I was 7 months pregnant.  Oh, the hormones and emotions.

Which brings me to our next big change and whirlwind.  Baby came at the end of October.  Excited, exhausted.  And so began parenting a newborn again and being a parent of two,  Nearly four months in, I am still learning.  But now I have longer bits of freedom.  With both kids in bed and hopefully a chunk of time before baby needs to eat, I can write.

Writing has been so much for me and meant even more.  With big changes and the stress surrounding them, I haven't written much.  Then again, I am not sure with the lack of sleep, I would have been able to put a full sentence together and make a complete thought.  But I hope going forward, my fingers will be on the keys more and I can share more of what is going on, as well as what is rattling around in my head.

More to come as we move forward and I begin to to get a stronger footing once again.