Friday, December 21, 2018

It's Okay to Break, It's Okay to Cry

Here we are, 4 days away from Christmas.  And oddly enough, my most recent post was about the magic of Christmas.  Maybe not oddly, maybe more ironic, but a few days to prior to today were not my finest.

After what seems like months of dealing with same negative behaviors that seem like no matter what don't feel like they are going away, I was done and ready to throw in the towel.

As a parent we set expectations and boundaries, we love our kids beyond words.  But the constant loud volume, yelling at each other, not listening the first time (or second, or third, or, well you get it), lack of interest in helping, lack of interest in being kind to one another, and the list goes on left me worn and weary.

Well, needless to say, I have not, was not much in the holiday mood.  Not quite bah humbug, but not too far from it if things didn't change.

A few days ago, it changed.  I hit my own low, my own just done with it, my own breaking point.  I was done, done with those behaviors, not feeling the magic of the season, and ready to throw up the white flag.

Yes, I know.  God doesn't give us more than we can handle.  And he gave me these two boys, put me on this path that I am on.  But I was feeling a bit broken.  So much so, the tears just came flowing.

After the umpteenth fit from my youngest, my oldest picking on his brother all morning for yet again another day, being kicked twice during a diaper change, I ended up on the floor.  My youngest snuggling in, and the tears just flowing down my face.  The tears stopped long enough until I went to bed, and I shed some more.  And the next day, some more again.

But then I began to feel a shift.  A shift in me, my attitude, my perspective, a weight lifted.

It was like I needed that moment.  That moment to break, to let it out, and let it go.

Nothing in life is perfect.  There are moments that are perfect, only in the sense that had the pieces not falling together the way we did and we noticed it wouldn't have happened.  Sometimes we have it all together and sometimes it all falls apart.

I needed that moment.  That moment to let the tears flow.  I don't always like to admit it, but though it may seem like it from the outside, I don't always have it all together.  And when the same thing, same negative thing, keeps happening it has a tendency to grate on me.  It wears me down, tears me apart, and I want to throw in the towel.

But I am me.  I am a wife, a mom, and so much more.  And just like my kids, I try to be in control of too much sometimes, even if it isn't something I can truly control.  Then we all butt heads, and we start pushing past the boundaries.

Until we just need to unload.  I unloaded through tears.  My oldest asked me if I was okay, and I flat out said no.  That is where I left it, that is where he left it.  Nothing more was said.

Now today, and well yesterday.  Things began to feel better.  They began to run more smoothly.  They began to change.

I am now feeling more in the Christmas spirit.  I am now beginning to see the magic of the season.  I am now more at ease.

I don't know what or why it all happened the way it did.  I don't know if the behaviors are fixed or how long this change with last.

I do know that it was what was needed  It was unexpected.  And it is the season I, we, are in.

I am trying to raise great kiddos who are respectful, helpful, loving, kind, gracious, and content.  Ones who let their personality shine through, use their strengths and gifts, know and understand their weaknesses.  Beyond that, I am trying to raise great adults.  So that one day, they will do these things on their own and be able to guide others.

Some days are easier than others.  But that is life.  We work through it.  We come out stronger on the other side.  We come out with more wisdom.

If you are not feeling the magic of the season, I get it.  But take a moment to look into why.  Sort it out, let it go, and find a calm that can carry you.

Being a parent is and has been the hardest job I have had by far.

It is okay for your kids to see you, your emotions, and realize it is okay to not be okay.  Because in the long run, they will learn the most from watching.

These next few days, I am going to try to see the magic of Christmas the way a child does.  Then, I hope and pray it is something I can continue to carry through the months ahead.  Because at the end of the day, there is still so much to be grateful for and so much glory in our lives.  We just need to ask to see it or help seeing it every now and then.

Today, today I am grateful for the grace of God, the love of family and friends, and the release that comes from letting tears flow.

I may not have it all together sometimes, but I have what I need surrounding me each day.

May you find the peace, the calm, the joy in the days to come.  May you see these days in a way that uplifts you in a way you never have before.  May you find space and presence in the moments in your day.  And may you truly see the magic, even if only through tears.

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