Thursday, June 27, 2019
For years now I have told myself or made it a goal to put my own health and well being a priority. But it never stuck. Why? Probably because after a handful of months would go by I would fine myself wondering why I ever set it as a goal in the first place.
I always thought myself to be pretty healthy. Had enough energy, got good sleep, wasn't sick that much during the Winter. Beyond the physical side of things, mental I was in a good spot and had no real reason to dig deeper into things than necessary.
As the years went by, life changed. It was rocked, I hit bottom (more times than I care to admit most days), I faced things I never ever thought would be placed on my path. I have felt like I have been tossed under a bus, along with my knowledge, parenting, character and more. I felt joy and extreme grief that rocks you to the core. I have been left high and dry because others simple don't understand or don't want to or don't try. I have changed and grown, only to have others around me want the "old me" back.
I got tired of dragging my heals, of digging them in so deep that I never wanted them to be free about the time my youngest turned a year old. I look at pictures of me from the day and think, wonder, what happened. Where is the true inner peace? Where is the deep joy? Where is the happiness, gratefulness, love? Where is the life? Where is the wild, the free? Where is me, the authentic real me?
I had lost sight of a lot of that back in 2011. Life has a way of turning things upside down. Those flips tend to carry through for the years to come. We may or may not acknowledge them, let alone accept them, but they are there. They are always tugging at us, always weighing on our shoulders.
A year ago I got serious about my own health and well being. I faced post-partum depression and anxiety after my youngest was born in 2015. It took me 16 months to finally accept things for what they were. And when I mentioned to my doctor and opened up finally she said, it's a wonder you made it this far with everything you have been through and are currently going through.
Motherhood is nothing like we think it will be. And no, it's not all unicorns and roses all the time. It is the hardest thing we will face if we decide to grow our family. It also has so many blessings and good moments. But no one wants to talk about those tough ones, the ones that we don't like, the ones that just downright suck.
A part of my health and well being journey has been expanding or widening my views, my perspectives, letting myself grow and change as needed, learning, and waiting. It goes beyond diet and exercise. It goes beyond the food we put in and hitting the pavement to get ourselves moving. It is about why we choose to eat what we are eating, it is about moving in a way that works with our body and the season we are in, it is about the mind, body, and spirit, it is about rest, both passive and active, it is about how we handle the twists, turns of this journey we are on.
What started out as a needed focus on changing my health through diet and exercise, became so much deeper. Each month this year I have peeled back a new layer and in doing so I am becoming free, more authentic, and finding my natural me that has been hidden for far too long. It's about healing, trusting, and letting go.
My word for the year is rejuvenation. Each month one of those layers peeled away shows just how fitting the word is. I wasn't sure where it would lead, but I am seeing now as we are half way through the year bits and pieces of so much more and I am excited to see what comes from it in the next half.
The boundaries I set today will help guide me in the months to come. As I set up new boundaries, I am untangling the inner and outer mess around me. I am giving myself permission to do, to be, to live. I am connecting while disconnecting. I am standing firm. I am doing and I am resting. I am utilizing my strengths and gifts, while accepting and acknowledging my weakness and limitations. I am stronger, more confident. I feel a deeper sense of joy and gratefulness. I am releasing and trusting.
Where will this lead? I don't know. But for now, I know I can face the day I have in front of me. I can learn from yesterday. I can set schedules and routines, rituals for tomorrow. But I can still dream and see where it leads.
What can you do today that will grow you? free you? to let you live deeply?
Where do you need to untangle? need permission? need to set boundaries for you?