Tuesday, October 15, 2019

Why is October 15th Significant?

I know what you are may be thinking.  October is a month filled with so many awareness focuses, national (fill in the blank) day, and more.  All have their importance and significance.

But some things need more voice to them and behind them.  October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month.  It is something that more people face than you may realize.  1 in 4 will face a pregnancy loss.

I am 1 in 4.  I, we, went through a miscarriage at the start of 2011.  At 17 weeks our daughter no longer had a heart beat.  We had found out just before Christmas that we were pregnant, pregnant with our first baby.  We celebrated the holiday season with a little extra focus on the new little one that we were going to welcome into our world in July.  July 5.

Shortly after Christmas we began seeing a little bit of concern during our ultrasound.  Because of the technology at the time and the tilt of my pelvis it would take a little longer to find the heart beat.  We had an ultrasound done and measurements seemed a little off.  So, to utilize better technology and do some testing we were sent to the perinatal.  The perinatal had us wait a couple more weeks, to gain a little more growth in our little one before we could do any of the testing.

In that two weeks, she stopped growing, stopped moving and on January 26 she had no heart beat left.

The day I found out I was pregnant, I became a mom.  The day I found out I was pregnant, my hubby became a dad.  I celebrated my 29th birthday the day before we celebrated the life of our daughter and her funeral.

Being a mom didn't start out how I had imagined, nor had I planned.  I was put on a path that no one anticipates, but happens to many.  And if it doesn't happen to us, we find out that it has to someone close to us.  Sometimes it happens in the coming years, and sometimes it brings up what happened years and years ago.

As that 2011 year went forward, I dove back into things not fully allowing myself to grieve or begin to heal.  In the Fall of that year it all came crashing down.  I couldn't anymore.  So I gave up my classroom so I could finally grieve, to take of me, my marriage, and what friendships I had left.  And to begin to heal.  You see, facing a miscarriage showed me the true colors of those around me.  Some walked the path with me, even if they hadn't faced it themselves.  Some walked the path with me that had faced it before.  And some, well some shut me out, said things that left things broken.

I am still in a healing phase with this.  There are still some areas that I am still working on and through.  Yet, there are some areas that are healed and others where I have a better understanding.

I didn't only loose my daughter, I lost the dreams and hopes that were with her, I lost the things that a mom would get to experience, I lost friends and co-workers, I lost trust for awhile, I lost faith for awhile, I lost joy, I lost a part of me.

My daughter made me who I am today.  She made me a mom.  She gave me new perspectives.  She gave me hope.  She gave me trust.  She gave me faith.  She gave me joy.  She showed me how strong I really am.  She showed me how to forgive.  She showed me how to let go.  She showed me love through signs.

There is no foot too small, no person too small, to leave an imprint on this world.

So why is October 15th significant?

It is the day that Ronald Reagan signed into recognition Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day in 1988.  On this day for many years, a wave of light is spread throughout the Earth.  From one side to the other, at pm people light candles in remembrance of all those little ones gone far too soon.  This wave spreads from ocean to ocean, over every continent.

October is the month my daughter began life.  October 15th I light a candle for her, for family, for friends who have all lost their babies. 

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