Monday, January 27, 2020

9 Years Ago My Life Flipped Upside Down

So 9 years ago marks the day that I became a mom for the first time.  My daughter entered this world weighing 2.5 ounces, 10 fingers, 10 toes, and the start of a beautiful face.  Scheduled to arrive in July, she came early.

It was the morning of January 27, 2011 I heard the words, there is no heart beat.  At that moment, the world stopped, I stopped.  I was suddenly put on a path I never thought would be a possibility.  We knew something was different from an earlier ultrasound, but the doctor assured me that while we may have surgeries after birth, things may be off proportionally, and a few other things, we had nothing to worry about.

At that ultrasound we were told that our daughter would most likely have Turner's Syndrome.  The thought or possibility that we could loose our daughter was never brought up. 

At a normally schedule appointment at 17 weeks they went to look for the heart beat.  I was moved into ultrasound for further diagnosis.  Later that day I was scheduled for an amniocentesis to determine how far a long our daughter was, along with a more concrete diagnosis of Turner's. 

My doctor stood with her back against the wall, arms crossed, nonchalantly told me that my baby had expired.  The same doctor that told me I had nothing to worry about, just told me my daughter was dead and proceeded to apologize for making me cry.  The moment and the days ahead are etched in my mind.

Side note, I have a new doctor now.

My daughter taught me a lot about life, God, marriage, faith, being a mom, being a parent, and myself.  She continues to be a catalyst for changes, growth, learning, and more.  If I were to be completely honest, I am still learning from it all.

I have lost some since then and lost from that twist in my journey, but I have also gained and found much. 

As each year passes, I am learning to peel back layers.  To heal, to forgive, to release, to free myself.

Sometimes I wonder still, what things would be like, what it would look like, and so many other questions.  But I will not be getting answers to them, that I have come to terms with.  Yet it doesn't change the fact that I still wonder sometimes.

I have grown in my faith and trust in God.  I have seen how strong my hubby is, as am I, and how strong our marriage is.  I have learned what I can control truly and what I can not.  I have overcome depression, anxiety, overwhelm, exchanging it for thriving, rest, and gratitude. 

Life is about moments.  These moments can sink us, they can uplift, they can cause us to stumble, cause us to grow and more.  But through it all we learn about who we are, who we are becoming, and more about this journey we are on.  We build connections from them, release, and grow.

Would I like to have my daughter sitting here in front of me today?  Of course.  But at the same time, that would change the dynamics of everything that has happened since.  Including (but not limited to) 2 healthy, happy, thriving sons, a stronger marriage, finding myself and becoming more each day the way God intended, a deeper faith.

One event changes everything, but we don't know what that will look like often.  And once we get through it, once we see it, often times we can't go back to what was.

So on this day, I remember all that my daughter has taught me.  I remember all those connections build with others walking a similar path.  I remember those who surrounded me, my hubby, my extended family.  I remember.

When growing a family we are faced with challenges, battles, and more.  But we are also faced with overcoming, joy, beauty, and more.  Wherever you are on this journey, I encourage you to remember, to release, to grow, to learn, to heal.

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